Project „Book of G.“ – Page 3


I have noted some phrases that are worth to thank as I had the idea with this project of writing about gratitude. You know the clasica: parents, partners, teachers, children… The kind of dedication you would find in the first page of a book… I will also be touching these with time for sure, but here I want to state that (or better remind me) this collection to be a kind of speaking out what has been important for me so far in my life,  prepared me to achieve today’s mindset about life and state my values for my prosperous future (that will be!).

I am not just writing these snobby words, but feel (and anticipate) that there is much to do in the next few years for me… so stay tuned and just follow me. There is also a funny story about me going through a metamorphosis… yes, this is absolutely a joke – and in case, I decided to be a burning pegasus! Let us fantasize together… and turn our focus to another symbol – a fiery one – for a start.

I will be writing about candles today. Tuning in the song „Candle in the Wind“ is a great analogy here. I need to choose my words carefully and hold your thoughts with me till the end, so that you will be able to understand what candles symbolize for me and why I feel to express my gratitude for them.

I could not light candles for many many years. This is not because I don’t like them or didn’t have any. On the contrary I had cabinets and boxes full of candles in every home. In addition to that I had to restrict myself from picking up some more lovely colours (but only the not scented ones!) during every other IKEA shopping. The fact is: I love candelsI I cannot imagine anyone who does not like the fragile piece of light which reveals a tiny bunch of space and contains a mighty mystery beyond it.

It has not been long, the humankind was introduced to electricity, but before all this industrialisation era (remembering and admiring Ford as well as Tesla & Edison now and here), all the literature and the inventions had not been if it were not the candles (or oil lamps)… while all the Shakespeare’s and Da Vinci’s were dependent on working at night, when their brilliant minds had longer opening hours than the daylight has restricted them. This throwback thinking alone would suffice to talk about expressing gratitude for candlelight, but I am getting personal here, so for me, candles have a deeper meaning than this general thinking, I hope you all would agree.

I know this is kind of an outing about my weirdness when I write this, but here we are: I got used to being afraid of candlelight. Even if it was not at my home, as soon as I saw a candle burning, I developed an urge to put it out. Birthday cakes had ideally only one representative candle as I celebrated children’s birthdays – not talking about my birthdays at all. These mixed feelings of loving and wanting something and at the same time ignoring and rejecting  have put me into a dilemma that I manage to give room and bring to words only here, with this writing. I am not shaking because of my mixed emotions, but it is a weird conclusion to draw a line beneath a phrase and do the accounting of feelings after those long years.

My children were the main reason for not lighting candles for many many years. I guess before that I was not allowed on the student campus where I lived, but you put up with it and do not develop an abnormal sense of anxiety. The adversity of starting a fire due to a child’s carelessness has developed into one of the biggest fears in my life. I must admit, I have lived in wooden houses and was therefore extra cautious for sure, but the level of harshness cannot be explained how I happened to cultivate it for me. Still, even though my youngest child is capable of lighting matches and acting with required responsibility with candles, there is still the dog that is not accountable at all. This is where the bitter truth lies in being an adult: taking responsibility for your loved ones means sacrificing yourself… to some deadly extent like in my case with extracting  candles from my life.

You could say now that this is not a big deal, but here is the following thought. As I had not allowed myself to experience the pleasure of enjoying candlelight, I also missed all that can be related in this context: candlelight dinners, real christmas trees, sommer nights with candles burning, birthday cakes with candles… even the St. Martin lanterns had battery lights! I hope this symbolism is not getting too boring for you, if you cannot attune in my thinking. On the contrary there must be the question rising why telling all this story, when the text is planned to be about gratitude.

I hope I will not be surprising you much when I write here that I combine hope with candles as well. Having a personality of extremes I can both love and hate at the same time. Therefore I am grateful for the unlit candles in my life that have kept my hope for better days, avoided me from possible misfortunes and deposited experiences postponed but not cancelled. I am looking forward to moments of just watching the elegant dance of the flames that will invite me to deeper thinking and capture my fricle mind to be silent, so that I can enjoy the beauty of just being… that, what my future might bring me.

Coming to a conclusion I want to quote my dear Alexander Dumas here where he indicates „… that all human wisdom in the two words lies: wait and hope!“ I have found a deep thinking of solace here, during some different harder times and come therefore often back to it. There is another text I wrote once inspired by a wedding bouquet, but the content is just the same as here: wait and hope…

– o –

PS. If you are curious about the text I mentioned, it is called forever and ever. You are welcome to read it, if you like, but I must warn you, you will need a translation!