Project „Book of G.“ – Page 38
This book of gratitude idea will cost me a bunch of gray hair for sure!… But don’t think I am complaining – it is just the saying. I have enough of that, so that some more would not reduce my charm at all. What I mean is: I am not sure if I will manage to write my texts diligently… this is my main concern at the moment. English seems to throttle down my progress. I want to write some meaningful lines, but need to look up phrases if I use them correctly. Communicating in German over 25 years had significant damage – when not in my knowledge, but definitely in my fluency. „I do my best“ will be my attitude with this project as always, knowing that my texts may not sound like proper essays. Please do accept my weirdness – it is a part of me!
I had to write these texts of gratitude in English. Some weeks ago everything started with a story about a piece of marmor with an engraving of „G.“ I had found it between the vineyards in France, close to the city where I live. The letter G, representing gratitude for me, came much later. After I made this posting in English, I want my texts here to follow the consistency. Unfortunately the German word for gratitude is „Dankbarkeit“ which does not start with a „G“. This is a fact, I can not change. So in case I happen to finish my project and it will be worth translating to German, I need to think how to cope with the language challenge then. Now you can understand the origin of my despair!
Let me come to today’s gratitude: Boys! This one is a fun and furious topic to write… l am thanking the universe for having my sons… all three of them! I am grateful for my daughter as well, but that deserves another precious place in my collection. I will come to that sometime later.
It is a heartwarming experience for every mother or anyone who has the role of parenting children. I have been blessed with so many children and have never felt the suffering of wishing a child and not conceiving. Alone this is a reason l seemed not to realize for ages. I feel for all the IVF patients, mothers with stillborn children and women who regret their abortion. I am grateful that I did not experience this kind of child receiving related sorrow in my life. This is a big big thing!
I have said it many times and can repeat it here again: I had not planned to have so many children… I know, no one will believe me when I also add: I sometimes can not believe that I have so many children. But let us leave the joke of the day aside… There is a brilliant philosophy here: you get what you get, but not what you plan to get… bridging to „Amor Fati“ by my dearest Nietzche… In the meantime I believe that my genes must be very precious to be transferred to the next generations… Yeah! A bit of self praise is acceptable for sure!
Now, this statement sucks: My boys have changed my ordinary life to hell! There is no reason to hide it. I do always tell the truth. This hell is the explanation of the situation I have endured, but it is not a judgement… I have been living my deepest sense of responsibility and idealistic view about children’s education all the time and that was too much for me. Because I was hard on myself, I could not focus on the pleasant sides of being a mother. With these words I want to express my desperation about times when I felt inadequate to solve the problems of life and uneasy to accept the restrictions… After the fact everyone knows better… to that time it was not possible. Being a human is all my fault…
My children kept me busy… so much that working in my profession felt like leisure time. I was a late mother and had to tolerate all the difficulties of having many babies at an older age in general. There are women, who are born to be mothers! I am not one of them… The ones who think / feel / act the same will know what I am talking about.
Surely my life would have been much different if I had not had boys after my daughter. For someone who experiences everything more intensively, just one child would have been too easy for me – this being in line with the German saying: „one child is no child“. I have been a mother throughout, forced to my utterst limits, tasted bitterness, and learned to love and accept it. Because of this important learning my sons have a special meaning in my life.
My sons introduced me to other tastes too. They could not have not been more different than I am! Their energies are other than mine and they all have extremely strong characters! While I was living through turbulent times and coping with my own challenges, their never ending internal conflicts have left me at a loss. The understanding for their nature came later, so I became much calmer. Now I have a perfect example of every element at home and can easily anticipate when a conflict will be rising…
When one looks back, the negatively afflicted memories are mostly remembered because of the rule of selective perception. Yes, we lived through all these separations, frustrations, injuries,… but isn’t this the real life? I am glad that we are a pack together experiencing life in a small format within the secured boundaries of a family. I learned to accept my limitations and respect their needs. All three are still doing their progress day by day and annoying me with numerous incredibilities – 20 years (in total) more to go!
These words had to be told before I could express my gratitude for having my boys around me. I love love love all of them. Happiness is not a value of quantity but quality. On every ordinary day there is an insignificant detail that makes me proud to be the mother of these men of the future. Sure, we share humour, fun and adventure together… but most importantly, our relationship is built on mutual love – including this inevitable teasing. The same phenomenon is valid here: who loves the roses endures the dorns!
Thank you, boys… for enduring me as your mother (as if you had another chance) and bringing salt and pepper in my life. I can’t tell how my life would have been without you, but I am glad that I have touched base and did not become a rich and snobbish manager in one of the worlds capital letter companies.
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